


That One Cracked CAPSLOCKED Soul-bond Fic (You Know the One. This One.)

by KaavyaWriting



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, I'm not sorry, M/M, Soul Bond, Thorin and Bilbo are both ridiculous but that's canon right, capslock fic, crackity crack what's up I'm back, fluffy crack, no seriously I can't stress enough that this is pure crack, no seriously when I say capslock fic I MEAN IT'S ENTIRELY IN CAPSLOCK, with minor amounts of angsty crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:37:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaavyaWriting/pseuds/KaavyaWriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A quicky shameless soul-bond fic of ridiculousness. Entirely in CAPSLOCK. Which… is kind of hard to explain why, you just sort of had to be there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That One Cracked CAPSLOCKED Soul-bond Fic (You Know the One. This One.)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilithiumwords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithiumwords/gifts).



> This is for Lilithiumwords, who is a _terrible influence_.  <3
> 
> Unbeta'ed…as if that is the biggest issue here: crack ahoy. Enjoy. :)

DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO RESEMBLE ANY EXISTING WORKS. SHOULD IT RESEMBLE AFOREMENTIONED EXISTING WORKS IT IS SHEER COINCIDENCE AND UTTERLY UNINTENTIONAL.  
*

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DWARF. NAMED…THORAN. YEAH, THORAN.

AND HE WAS ALONE FOR A VERY LONG TIME—NO SOUL MATE TO SPEAK OF—WHICH HE WAS OKAY WITH, BECAUSE HE WAS A KI—ER, AN EMPEROR. AND EMPERING TAKES A LOT OF WORK AND TIME, SO PSHAW TO ROMANCE.

AND THEN ONE DAY HE STARTED HAVING DREAMS ABOUT A STRANGE LITTLE HALFLING NAMED… BILBA.

HE WAS MAJESTIC, YOU SHOULD KNOW. THORAN, NOT BILBA. BILBA WAS MORE THE NO-NONSENSE TYPE, WHICH DIDN'T REALLY WORK WITH SOMEONE LIKE THORAN WHO ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE NONSENSICAL.

ANYWAY.

THORAN WAS SUDDENLY HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THIS LITTLE BILBA. FOR YEARS AND YEARS HE HAD THESE DREAMS, AND IN THEM HE WATCHED BILBA GROW FROM A WEE LITTLE THING TO A… WELL, A WEE LITTLE ADULT. HALFLINGS ARE SMALL, OKAY.

THORAN FOUND IT COMFORTING IN A VERY ANNOYING WAY. BECAUSE BILBA ALWAYS INTERACTED WITH HIS DREAMS LIKE HE WAS REAL OR SOMETHING. AND HE WAS A BLOODY CHEEKY UPSTART, ALWAYS "WHY DID YOU DO THAT THING?" AND "THAT WAS RUDE." AND "ELVES ARE PRETTY."

SO THORAN DREAMT OFTEN OF BILBA, AND BILBA DREAMT OF HIM. THORAN ADMITTEDLY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL A BIT WEIRD BECAUSE HOW CAN A DREAM DREAM OF HIM? HOW CAN A DREAM BE REAL? THORAN WAS A TOUCH SLOW ON THE UPTAKE. BUT THORAN WAS A DWARF AND NOT A HALFLING SO WHAT DOES HE KNOW ANYWAY.

FOR BILBA THIS DREAM-WALKING WITH ONE'S SOUL MATE WAS A PERFECTLY NATURAL AND MOST PRECIOUS THING. IT WAS A CONNECTION AND A FRIENDSHIP AND A PROMISE ALL ROLLED INTO ONE. IT WAS THE DEEPEST OF CONNECTIONS TWO COULD HAVE.

BUT THORAN WAS SAD (READ: SNARLINGLY ANGRY TOWARD BILBA) THAT BILBA SHOULD EVER WITNESS THE THINGS THORAN OFTEN DREAMED OF: MEMORIES OF AXANULBIXAR, OF HIS BROTHER FRE—ER, FERRIN'S DEATH, AND THE FALL OF … AREBOR, THE LAST GREAT DWARF KINGDOM.

BILBA FOUND THORAN KIND OF (READ: COMPLETELY) EXASPERATING. HE WANTED TO HELP THORAN, NOT BE SHUT OUT. HE TRIED TO COMFORT THORAN THROUGH THE PAINFUL MEMORIES AND TO DRAG THORAN TO HAPPIER PLACES, LIKE BILBA'S OWN MEMORIES OF THE SHIR—VALE. THE VALE, YEAH. (TO REPEAT THE DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO RESEMBLE ANY EXISTING WORKS.)

BUT THORAN VAGUELY RESENTED BILBA'S PEACEFUL, SAFE HOME. WHICH WAS MADNESS, IF HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT TOO HARD, BECAUSE HE WAS ALSO UNSPEAKABLY GRATEFUL TO KNOW HIS ONE WAS SAFE AND HAPPY AND UNTOUCHED BY THE GRIEF THORAN HIMSELF HAD KNOWN. AND SO THORAN DID NOT REALLY LIKE BILBA'S DREAMS OF THE VALE, BUT NEITHER DID HE WANT BILBA WANDERING AROUND HIS OWN MEMORIES. THIS IS WHY ONE TIME WHEN HE WAS HAVING A PARTICULARLY BAD DREAM OF FERRIN'S DEATH AND BILBA APPEARED THORAN'S TEMPER SNAPPED. HE SHOUTED (A LOT, ANGSTILY) AND TOLD BILBA TO STAY OUT OF HIS HEAD. FOREVER.

I AM SURE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SUCH A DEMAND, OF COURSE, SNAPS THE BOND IN TWAIN. _YES, IN TWAIN._ IT IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

THORAN DIDN'T KNOW THAT. SO WHEN BILBA VANISHED FROM HIS NIGHTLY VISITS IT WAS AT FIRST A RELIEF. BILBA WAS GIVING HIM HIS SPACE. YET AS TIME PASSED AND BILBA NEVER REAPPEARED THORAN FELT A GROWING ANXIETY. SURELY HIS ONE WOULD NOT STAY FROM HIM FOREVER. EVEN IF HE'D _SAID_ FOREVER HE HADN'T _MEANT_ IT. SURELY BILBA KNEW THAT. SO WHERE WAS BILBA?

BILBA WAS HEARTBROKEN, THAT'S WHERE. HIS ONE—STRANGE AND ANGSTY DWARF THOUGHT HE MAY BE—HAD REJECTED THEIR BOND. (AND BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE WHYS AND HOWS AND FOR-TOS OF BONDS, IT NEVER QUITE OCCURRED TO BILBA THAT THORAN DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE HAD DONE.) BILBA WAS COMPLETELY CUT OFF FROM HIS ONE.

DESPITE THIS, BILBA COULDN'T FIND IT IN HIS HEART TO REJECT THORAN IN RETURN. HE LOVED HIM. SO BILBA PINED AND FELT A GREAT LOSS IN HIS HEART, A WOUND THAT COULD NOT HEAL. AND EVEN HIS PARENTS DID NOT KNOW WHY BILBA FELL INTO SUCH A SUDDEN MALAISE. HE COULDN'T EXACTLY EXPLAIN TO THEM HIS ONE, WHOM HE'D KNOWN FOR MOST OF HIS LIFE, WAS SUDDENLY GONE FROM HIS DREAMS, HAVING TURNED AWAY FROM BILBA'S HEART. ANYWAY BUNG—THAT IS, BANGO, BILBA'S FATHER, WOULD BE SAD TO KNOW HIS SON'S ONE WAS A DWARF SO FAR FROM THE VALE. (BILBA WAS CLEVER, AND HAD LONG HELD CLOSE THE SECRET OF HIS ONE BEING A DWARF. MOST IN THE VALE SIMPLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, AND BILBA ALWAYS KNEW HE'D HAVE YEARS TO FIND A WAY TO BREAK IT TO HIS DOTING FATHER. HIS MOTHER, BELLEDONNE, AT LEAST, WOULD UNDERSTAND QUITE WELL.)

MEANWHILE IN THE GREEN MOUNTAINS THORAN WAS INCREASINGLY ANXIOUS. THE ENTIRE WINTER HAD PASSED WITHOUT A SINGLE DREAM OF BILBA. AND AS THE SPRING MELTED THE MOUNTAIN SNOW (AND TURNED EVERYTHING TO MOSS, HENCE THE MONIKER OF GREEN MOUNTAINS) THORAN QUIETLY MADE PLANS TO JOURNEY TO HIS HALFLING'S COUNTRY.

HOWEVER, THORAN'S SISTER, DEES, AND HIS COUSINS, BALLIN AND DALLIN, SUSPECTED SOMETHING WAS UP, FOR HE HAD BEEN UNHAPPIER AND SNARLIER THAN USUAL. THEY WHEEDLED THE TRUTH FROM HIM (READ: DEES PICKED AT HIM IN THE TRUE FASHION OF YOUNGER SISTERS EVERYWHERE UNTIL HE CRACKED LIKE AN ORC'S SKULL ON A DWARVEN AXE), MUCH TO THORAN'S ANNOYANCE. (TO BE HONEST, A LOT ANNOYED THORAN.) HE CONFESSED HIS CONCERN FOR HIS ONE AND PLANS TO GO TO HIM. IT WAS AT THIS POINT THEY LEARNED THORAN'S ONE WAS NOT A DWARF, BUT WAS A HALFLING THAT SOMEHOW VISITED THORAN IN HIS SLEEP. SUCH A THING WAS A MARVEL. (OR IT WAS A MARVEL AFTER THEY HAD THORAN LOOKED OVER FOR A HEAD INJURY BY OIAN, THEIR RESIDENT HEALER AND ALSO CONVENIENTLY A COUSIN. OIAN SAID THORAN WAS FINE, ASIDE FROM SOME CONCERNING PRONENESS TO STUBBORN BOUTS OF IDIOCY. PERHAPS THERE'S A LOGICAL REASON THORAN IS ALWAYS ANNOYED AT THE WORLD.)

THAT SETTLED MATTERS FOR DEES. SINCE SHE COULD NOT GO WITH THORAN SHE CHARGED BALLIN AND DALLIN TO GO IN HER PLACE AND KEEP THORAN FROM BEING AN EMBARRASSING IDIOT. (WHICH ANNOYED THORAN. HE WAS _NOT_ EMBARRASSING. OR AN IDIOT.) FOR DEES (AND BALLIN) WAS CONCERNED WITH THORAN'S GENERAL LACK OF DIPLOMACY WITH … ANYTHING EVER. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS OFF TO MEET THE PEOPLE HIS ONE HAILED FROM.

ANYWAY.

THORAN WENT TO THE VALE WITH HIS STALWART COMPANIONS, BALLIN MAKING PLANS THE ENTIRE JOURNEY ON HOW TO KEEP THORAN FROM CAUSING A DIPLOMATIC SCANDAL. DALLIN SPENT ALL HIS TIME RIBBING THORAN FOR FALLING FOR A YOUNG HALFLING—NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THORAN THREW HIM INTO WHATEVER CONVENIENT BODY OF WATER THEY WERE PASSING. SOME COUSINS COULD SIMPLY NOT TAKE A HINT.

HOWEVER, WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT THE BAGGENS' RESIDENCE THEY MET ONLY BANGO, WHO RUDELY INFORMED THEM THERE WAS NO BILBA THERE AND SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THEIR FACES.

SO RUDE.

THORAN GRUMPED AROUND IN THEIR FRONT GARDEN, UNSURE WHAT TO DO. (A FEW TOMATOES WERE SACRIFICED IN THE NAME OF TRUE LOVE.)

WHEN BELLEDONNE ARRIVED HOME FROM THE MARKET AND FOUND THEM RUINING BANGO'S PETUNIAS SHE INVITED THEM IN FOR TEA, DESPITE BANGO'S STORMY PROTESTS FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW. (WHEN SHE'D MENTIONED GETTING NEW GARDEN DECORATIONS SHE HAD NOT MEANT DWARVES, THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH, BANGO BAGGENS!)

AT THIS POINT IN TIME BALLIN AND DALLIN WERE FEELING VARYING DEGREES OF UNIMPRESSED AND DISTURBED. THORAN WAS ANNOYED (MUCH TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE) AND ADMITTEDLY WORRIED. DID BILBA NOT WISH TO SEE HIM? DID HE ASK HIS FATHER TO BAR THE WAY?

HAD THORAN RUINED EVERYTHING?

HE WAS ALSO SOMEWHAT TAKEN ABACK BY THESE STRANGE HALFLING PEOPLE WHO HAD TEAS WITH LITTLE CRUSTLESS SANDWICHES AND FRETTED OVER MANNERS AND DEFINITELY HAD ISSUES WITH THEIR SON RUNNING OFF WITH A TWO-CENTURY-OLD DWARF. HIS GUILT DOUBLED.

BILBA AND HIS LIFE HAD NEVER SEEMED SO STARTLINGLY … HALFLINGISH TO THORAN. NOR HAD HE SEEMED OPPOSED TO RUNNING AWAY WITH THORAN WHEN THEY'D DISCUSSED THEIR FUTURE… BEFORE THORAN HAD RUINED EVERYTHING.

THINGS WERE LOOKING DECIDEDLY GLOOMY.

THEN BILBA ARRIVED HOME WITH A BLESSING OF HALFLINGS. (YOU WILL FIND HALFLINGS ARE DISTANTLY RELATED TO UNICORNS, AND SO THE CORRECT GROUP WORD FOR HALFLINGS IS, LIKE UNICORNS, A BLESSING. "A BLESSING OF POLITE HALFLINGS APPEARED, STARTLING THE UNSUSPECTING DWARVES." THORAN, BEING A ROMANTIC SAP BENEATH ALL HIS ANNOYED FEELS, THOUGHT THIS QUITE APPROPRIATE.)

ANYWAY.

BILBA ARRIVED HOME WITH A BLESSING OF HALFLINGS. HE WAS CALLING OUT TO HIS PARENTS BEFORE HE EVEN ENTERED INTO SIGHT, THE SOUND OF THE OTHERS MURMURING BEHIND HIM LIKE A CHORUS. SOMETHING ABOUT A RIVER DAMMED BY NESTING BEAVERS AND A GREAT BATTLE AVERTED BETWEEN TWO BAGGENS CLANS OVER A WATER DISPUTE.

THORAN WAS DEEPLY CONCERNED, EVEN MORE SO WHEN BILBA TURNED THE CORNER AND REVEALED HIMSELF COVERED IN MUD ALL THE WAY FROM HIS CURLY GOLDEN HEAD TO CURLY GOLDEN TOES. THORAN WAS HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROOM BEFORE HE KNEW HE WAS ACTUALLY MOVING.

IT PROBABLY DIDN'T LOOK GOOD THAT HIS SWORD WAS SUDDENLY IN HIS HAND. AND HE MIGHT HAVE DEMANDED SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF WHO DARED ATTACK HIS ONE.

BANGO WAS MAKING HORRIBLE CHOKING NOISES SOMEWHERE BEHIND HIM. DALLIN SOUNDED SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE HE WAS LAUGHING. THE BLESSING OF HALFLINGS WERE YELPING AND STUMBLING BACK. EXCEPT FOR BILBA.

BILBA WAS STARING AT THORAN WITH SOME MIXTURE OF AWE AND ALARM, AS THOUGH THORAN WERE AN UNEXPECTED DAWN THAT MAY YET MELT INTO THE MORNING MISTS.

…NO, YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT AND NOT IMAGINING THINGS: BEFORE BILBA THORAN NEVER THOUGHT IN SUCH SCENIC METAPHORS. PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN THEY BECOME SAPPY LOVESICK DWARVES. PUTTING THAT FACT OF LIFE ASIDE,

THORAN STARED AT BILBA IN SIMILAR AWE. HE SOMEWHAT SHEEPISHLY PUT AWAY HIS SWORD—AFTER ASSURING HIMSELF THOSE AROUND BILBA WERE NOT POISED FOR ATTACK AGAINST HIS HALFLING.

BILBA THREW HIMSELF INTO THORAN'S ARMS, MUTTERING LOW WORDS OF DISBELIEF AND JOY ONLY FOR THORAN'S EARS. THORAN'S EARS WENT BRIGHT RED. BUT NONETHELESS HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND BILBA AS WORDS DROPPED FROM HIS OWN LIPS, REASSURANCES AND SENSELESS ENDEARMENTS AND PROMISES TO NEVER LET BILBA GO AGAIN.

EVEN IF IT MEANT HE WOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BANGO MAKING DESPAIRING NOISES AT HIS BACK FOREVERMORE.

STILL, THORAN SPENT THE NEXT TWO WEEKS GROVELING QUITE IMPRESSIVELY FOR HIS FOOLISHNESS. UNTIL BILBA KICKED HIM OUT OF HIS—THEIR—ROOM FROM SHEER ANNOYANCE OVER IT ALL. THORAN SPENT THE NEXT TWO WEEKS PROMISING BILBA HE WOULD ONLY EVER KEEP FUTURE APOLOGIZING TO A THREE-DAY MINIMUM, WHICH BILBA WAS QUITE AGREEABLE TO. (BILBA WAS QUITE SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO KNOW THORAN WOULD DO SOMETHING TO REQUIRE SUCH ARRANGEMENTS BEFOREHAND. HIS DWARF WAS SPECTACULARLY DRAMATIC.)

BALLIN WAS KIND ENOUGH TO WRITE IT ALL UP IN A CONVENIENT CONTRACT. BILBA CARRIED IT WITH HIM ALL HIS DAYS, OCCASIONALLY PULLING IT OUT TO DEMAND AMENDMENTS WHEN SOMETHING OCCURRED TO HIM—WHEN THORAN DID SOMETHING TO SEND BILBA UP THE WALL THAT IS, WHICH WAS OFTEN.

THAT IS NOT TO SAY BILBA NEVER DROVE THORAN MAD, BUT THAT PARTICULAR QUEST AND DRAGO—AHA, THAT IS… THAT JOURNEY AND… WYRM… THOSE MATTERS ARE FOR ANOTHER TALE AND ANOTHER NIGHT. (REPEAT, DISCLAIMER: ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY EXISTING WORKS IS COINCIDENCE AT BEST. YEAH.)

BUT IT IS SAFE TO SAY, GENERALLY SPEAKING, THORAN AND BILBA LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. THE END.


End file.
